Guidelines For Cats

Anyone who owns a cat will understand. This is hilarious and very true about our furry little friends.

Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

Chairs and Rugs: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
Bathrooms: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything . . . just sit and stare.

Hampering: For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

Sleeping: In order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

Play: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important, though, to maintain one's dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I meant to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

 

Cat Games: Catch Mouse: The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!

Paper Bags: Within paper bags dwell the bag mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for bag mice is fair game for a sneak attack, which will usually result in a great Tagmatch.

Scratching Posts: It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is not recommended.

Human Inconsistency: Humans spend many hours sitting in front of a box with moving pictures, tapping tiny squares on a board with their fingertips...it is rumored that this is actually how humans sharpen their claws!  Considering how sanctimonious they are when they catch cats sharpening their claws, humans obviously need a lesson in consistency.  One of the best ways to do this is to walk on the board with the tiny squares...that will always get a huge reaction from the human, a good indication that you're actually teaching them something!  If that doesn't work, lay on the board or throw up a furball on it!  There's no good reason why humans should be allowed to sharpen their claws while forbidding cats to do so!

Cat Speak: Humans will sometimes try to speak in cat language, attempting to 'meow' at you while having no real idea what they're saying!  Cats can either meow back and try and fool the human into thinking that there is a real connection going on, or they can stare at the human with a puzzled look on their face...after all, the human just told you that your mother was the whore of every tomcat in town!  Did they mean that or did they simply not understand the implications of their attempting to meow?  It's hard to say, as the level of human advancement in this area is very limited...about the only 'catspeak' they actually understand is "I'm starving" and "Let me out...NOW!"  If they have truly insulted you or your family, feel free to either tell them how stupid they are in cat language or walk away indignantly.

Hope you enjoyed these guidelines for cats!